======== Path: Supernews69!supernews.com!news.gv.tsc.tdk.com!newsfeed.wli.net!nac!news.maxwell.syr.edu!news-peer.sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!Sprint!cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.bbnplanet.com!baron.netcom.net.uk!netcom.net.uk!server3.netnews.ja.net!CSDalpha3.sbu.ac.uk!williasp From: williasp@unix.sbu.ac.uk (Simon) Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes,rec.humor Subject: Loz's Jokes Part 3 of 4, BIG JOKES LIST Date: Thu, 14 Aug 1997 23:40:02 +0000 Organization: South Bank University Lines: 889 Message-ID: <1997081423400213254@williasp.dialup.sbu.ac.uk> NNTP-Posting-Host: williasp.dialup.sbu.ac.uk Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Newsreader: MacSOUP 2.2.1 Xref: Supernews69 alt.tasteless.jokes:171503 rec.humor:325350 Hello, I have a big list of Jokes that my friends have collected over the past few years (July 1994 - July 1996 so far). I'm sorry if it pisses anyone off posting a large (39kb) file in this NG and I don't want to get flamed for clogging bandwidth, but some of these are really funny and quite a lot have not been posted in NG's like this before... Anyway, I have a list of (at the moment) 603 excellent jokes, totalling 148kb so far, I have split up the list into four parts. This is the third part. I live in London, England, and so some of the jokes may be a bit Anglicised, sorry to you yanks and everyone else who might find the English a bit funny.. Anyway, enjoy the jokes and feel free to Forward this list to anyone you like... PS: Some of the jokes are very tasteless, so don't read if offended, hey I'm Blonde & Scottish and there are loads of Blonde & Scottish jokes in here and I find them funny.. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- LOZ's Joke Book Part 3 (Feb 97-Jun 97) - 7547 words 382. After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realises his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those." 383. A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!". However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?". "Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!". The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to try this?". A small camp looking bloke at the back stands up and says "Yes, I'll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard". 384. Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble." The second deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?" "I turned out the light," the second man replied. 385. A handicapped Vietnam Veteran is limping down the street dragging his right foot along behind him. He looks up and sees another guy about his age walking toward him. This guy is also dragging his right foot along behind him. Another disabled Joe! The 'Nam Vet walks up to shake his hand, grabs him by the hand and says "Mekong Delta-1969." The other guy looks him square in the face and says: "Dog Shit-five minutes ago." 386. A man phones work on Monday morning: Man: "Hi I won't be into work today. I'm sick in bed." Boss: "What do you mean, how sick are you?" Man: "Well I'm in bed with my Daughter!" 387. Staking out a notoriously rowdy pub for possible drunk drivers, a policeman watched from his car as a bloke stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried five cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a breathalyser test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible. "Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy." 388. Q: What do you say to a constipated cat? A: Have a break, have a shit-cat. 389. Q: What's the definition of a university lecturer? A: Someone who talks in your sleep. 390. Q: Did you hear about the cross eyed circumciser? A: He got the sack. 391. Boy: "Mummy, mummy- What makes children delinquent?" Mum: "Shut up, pour yourself another drink and deal" 392. Girl: "Mummy, mummy, can I get pregnant? Mum: "No dear, of course not, you're only eight!" Girl: "Right lads, same again" 393. Q: What do you call a girl with one leg slightly longer than the other? A: Eileen 394. Q: What do you call a girl between two houses? A: Elaine 395. Q: What's the difference between Delia Smith and a cross country runner ? A: One is a pant in the country....... 396. Q: What are the 3 things you can't give a black man ? A1: A black eye A2: A fat lip A3: A job 397. Q: How long does it take for a black person to have a shit ? A: 9 months 398. Q: Why can't they find a cure for AIDS ? A: They can't get the lab rats to buttfuck 399. Q: What's the similarity between a Clitoris and a Mobile Phone ? A: It only takes one finger to turn them on and every cunt's got one 400. Q: What's the dumbest part of a man? A: His dick. (It has no brain, it's best friends are two nuts, and it lives next door to an arsehole) 401. Q: Did you hear about the flasher who decided to retire? A: Yeah, but he changed his mind and decided to stick it out for another year. 402. Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook 403. Q: What do soya beans and dildos have in common? A: They're both meat substitutes. 404. Three cowboys are sitting around a camp fire, telling stories about how tough they are. First one said, "I once wrestled a rampaging bull to the ground with my bare hands." Second one said, "That's nothin' -- I once bit the head clean off a rattlesnake. The third one said nothing... just sat there silently stirring the coals with his dick. 405. Two hamsters walk past a gay bar and one says to the other - "Wanna go in there and get shit-faced?" 406. Q: How do you make 2 pounds of fat attractive? A: Add a nipple. 407. St. Valentines Day Messages Roses are red, Dead violets are black, Why is your chest, as flat as your back? Roses are red, Dead violets are black, Gorillas are hairy, And so is your crack. 408. Q: Do you have any photos of your mum naked ? (No) A: Do you want some ? (See also 90, 91, 104) 409. Q: What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and Anal sex ? A: Clint Eastwood just makes your day, Anal sex makes your hole weak. 410. Feeling lonely? Then why not turn gay, and you too can widen the circle of your friends. 411. Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung? A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. 412. Q: What's the difference between a woman and a battery? A: A battery has a positive side. 413. Q: What runs around Paris at midday dressed in cling film? A: The lunchpack of Notredame 414. Three men checked into a hotel... The clerk at the counter told them there are only one room left. Three men decided to share the bed. Next morning, the man that slept in the right side of the bed said, "I had a really weird dream last night, I dreamed that someone jerked me off." The man that slept in the left side said, "That's weird, I had the same dream!" The man in the middle said, "I had a different dream, I dreamed that I went skiing." 415. Three nuns are standing in line for confession. The first one says, "Father, forgive me, but I have sinned. I have touched a penis with my hand." The Padre tells her, "Sister, you must go wash your hand in holy water and you will be forgiven." As she leaves, the third nun pushes her way in front of the second. When the second nun protests, the third says, "You must be out of your mind if you expect me to gargle with that after you've had your arse in it!" 416. An old man and old woman met after both became residents at an old folks home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each others company. After about 3 weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually anymore. But if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it.". The woman did not see what that would hurt, so she said she would. Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the lake and the old woman would hold the man's penis. One day the man didn't show up at their regular meeting place. The woman became concerned and set out searching for him. Farther down the shore she spotted him sitting on a bench, with another woman beside him. She walked up to the bench to find his penis in the other woman's hand. This upset her very much and she yelled at the old man, "We have been together for 2 months now. I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't?" "Parkinsons!", replied the old man with a smile. 417. Q: What weighs 10 pounds and wasn't plucked last christmas? A: Roy Orbison's guitar. 418. Q: What's the best thing about being a test-tube baby? A: You get a womb with a view. 419. A little boy misses school one day so the next day, his teacher sternly asks: "Where were you yesterday?" Boy: "My dad got burnt, Miss" Teacher: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Was he badly burnt?" Boy: "Oh yes Miss, they don't mess about at the crematorium" 420. Bloke's joke: Q: Why did the feminist cross the road? A: To suck my dick ! 421. Q: What do you call a blind Jehovah's Witness? A: A Jehovah. 422. Q: Did you hear about the red indian who drank 50 cups of tea? A: He was found drowned in his teepee. 423. Q: Why is Lieutenant Uhura black? A: Because William Shatner. 424. Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic drunk? A: He drowned in his own Vimto. 425. Q: Why are fat girls like mopeds? A: They're a comfortable ride but you wouldn't want to be seen dead by your mates with one. 426. Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide ? A: He got the gas bill..... This isn't funny! My dad died in a concentration camp...he fell out of the machine gun tower. 427. Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? A: So she can moan with the other. 428. Q: What do all battered women have in common? A: They just don't listen and shut the fuck up. 429. Q: What's this? (Stick out your tongue) A: A lesbian with a hard-on. 430. Q: What do you call a lesbian opera singer ? A: A muff diva. 431. Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers ? A: Well hung. 432. Q: What do you say to a feminist that has no arms or legs ? A: Nice tits. 433. Q: What's the difference between a queer and a refrigerator ? A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out. 434. Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Michael Jackson residence ? A: When the big hand reaches for the little hand. 435. Q: What's the worst thing about being a paedophile? A: Having to go to bed at 7pm. 436. Q: What food will decrease a woman's sex drive 90% or more? A: A wedding cake 437. Q: What do you call an Asian Kareoke Singer? A: Gerupta Singh 438. Q: What do you call an Asian builder? A: Ahmed Ashed 439. I used to be a necrophile until some rotten cunt split on me. 440. Did you hear about the blind man who walked into the fish market, and said, "Good morning, ladies". 441. Did you hear about the male prostitute who contracted leprosy. He did OK for a while, and then his business dropped off. 442. There's this really shy guy who never leaves his room. Although he is desperately lonely for any sort of companionship, He's terribly self- conscious about the fact that he has a wooden eye. Finally, his best friend says, "Look, if you ever want to do anything with your life you've simply got to get out and about. Come with me to the dance on Saturday." With the greatest reluctance he agrees, and Saturday night finds him sitting on the benches in the high school gym while his friend dances away, until he notices a woman on the other side of the room. She's not beautiful - in fact she has a harelip - and he screws up his courage to approach her. "Would you like to dance?" he asks. Her face lighting up she cries, "Would I? Would I?". "Harelip! Harelip! " he shouts back. 443. Some guy wants to get fucked, and only has a few quid left, so he goes to the cheapest brothel he can find, and asks the lady at the desk if he can get something for £5. She tells him that the cheapest fuck they have is also the oldest, and is in the room at the end of the corridor. So he walks in, and the lights are off, and he's much rather prefer that they STAY off. So he crawls into the bed, and feels cold skin next to his. He lays there for a while and the hag croaks 'put it in.' So, he tries to put it in for at least 5 minutes, and he can't get it inside. So she tells him to hang on a second, and sits up. He can see her fiddling with her crotch at the edge of the bed, but can't see what she's doing. Finally, she lays back down, and asks him to try again. He slips it in really smoothly, and is surprised that it feels like a soft, warm, teenage pussy. He says, "Wow! Your cunt is so smooth and creamy, did you use some kind of lotion or something?" She replies, "No, I just picked the scabs and let the puss run." 444. A guy walks into a bar and sees a woman he thinks would be an easy lay. He buys her a few drinks, and chats her up for a while, and not long after were back at his place in bed. When he goes down on her, he finds a hard spot. He pulls it out and finds it to be a piece of carrot. Discounting this he keeps going until he finds another hard spot. This time a pea. He looks at her and asks, "Are you sick???" To which she replies "No, but the guy before you was!" 445. A man walks in to the doctor and says I have a problem. My wife and I never come at the same time. The doctor says no problem - I had the same problem so I put a gun under the pillow with blanks in it, when I was about to come I would fire the gun; the excitement would make her come. Ok says the man I'll try it. Next day the man is at the doctor. the doctor says how did it go. The man says everything was going good and as I was about to come I fired the gun like you said. Yes, the doctor says, and then what happened. Well, the man says, my wife shat on my face and bit off my cock! 446. A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a Nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie ,"if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know , so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray. "If you went dressed in a robe and mask of God. You could command her to have sex with you. Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. While she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding in his robe and mask and says "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the Hippie finishes he stands up rips off his mask and shouts "Ha , Ha , I'm just a hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and rips off her mask and shouts " Ha Ha, I'm the bus driver ! !" 447. There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea. Each time they make love, they will put a 10 note into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said: 'Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put a 10 note into the piggy. But here we have many 20's and a few 50 notes. The wife replied, 'do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?' 448. Guy sits down at the bar and says, "Bartender! Gimme two shots of whiskey my friend! I'm celebrating." Barman: "Well what's the occasion?" Guy: "Ahh, my first blow-job today" Barman: "Well that is a very special occasion, make it 3 shots ?" Guy: "Oh no, if the first two don't wash down the taste the third won't either" 449. Two young attractive men walk into a bar and order a couple of beers. Upon noticing two hot babes sitting at a table, alone, they summoned the bartender to send two drinks to the table. The bartender warned them "Guys, they're lesbians, and they'll have no part of you" After persisting, the bartender finally sent two drinks to the lesbians sitting at the table. The two lesbians invited the men to join them, so they obliged. One lesbian asked one man if he would like to find out what a lesbian's thigh felt like. When he responded yes, the lesbian grabbed his hand and placed it on her thigh, moving it up and down. By now the young man was getting excited and aroused. The lesbian then asked him if he would be interested in finding out what a lesbians breasts felt like. Enthusiastically, the young man nodded and she took his hand, ran it up the inside of her blouse until it was on her breasts. The lesbian then asked the young and curious man if he would like to know what a lesbian's pussy smells like. Before the young man could even answer, the lesbian inhaled a huge breath of air and blew it in the young mans face. 450. A penguin took his car to the garage due to mechanical problems. While waiting for the car he went next door to get a sandwich. When returning, the mechanic told him that he thought he found the problem ..... "I think you've blown a seal". The penguin said 'Oh no, that is just tarter sauce from my fish sandwich. 451. Anybody want to buy a sheep, it`s in mint condition ? Hardly ewesed. Haven't heard that one Baah fore. 452. A Chinese couple owns a little Chinese restaurant. One Saturdy night the husband says to the wife," You pick up restaurant. You do dishes. And you lock up. I'm going out with my friend to get drunk". The wife gives him a dirty look but goes ahead and does what he says. He comes home drunk at 3 am, barges into the bedroom, wakes her up and says, "You wake up. You make me sixty-nine." So she says, "Wait a minute! First you make me clean up the restaurant. Then you go out and have fun with your friends, and now you come home in the middle of the night and expect me to make you Cashew Chicken!?" 453. Q: Why do women have periods ? A: Because they deserve them 454. Q: What do men have in common with a toilet seat, Anniversaries and a clitoris ? A: They always miss them. 455. Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur ? A: Lickalottapus. 456. Q: Why are so many niggers moving to Brixton ? A: They heard there were no jobs there. 457. Q: What has 200 balls and fucks a nigger ? A: A shotgun. 458. Q: What's the first thing taught in a Brixton driving school ? A: How to unlock a car with a coat hanger. 459. Q: How is transportation being improved in Brixton ? A: They're planting the trees closer together. 460. Q: How was break dancing invented ? A: By black kids stealing hubcaps from moving cars. 461. Q: What's white and looks good on a nigger ? A: A toe tag. 462. Q: Why are a nigger man's eyes always red after sex ? A: The CS gas. 463. Q: What do you do when you see 5 white men beating the shit out of a nigger ? A: Laugh. And then scream, "He raped my sister!" 464. Q: Did you hear about the new ad for BMW in Ebony magazine ? A: "You've got the radio, now get the car!" 465. Q: What do niggers and sperm have in common ? A: Only one in two million does any work. 466. Q: What happens every time a nigger gets an abortion ? A: Crime Stoppers sends her a cheque for £500. 467. Q: How is a nigger different from a sewer rat ? A: Some people actually like sewer rats. 468. Q: What's a nigger's favorite antiperspirant ? A: Unemployment. 469. Q: What's the difference between good nigger kids and bad nigger kids ? A: Good nigger kids are in medium security prisons. 470. Q: Why was there only one nigger aboard the space shuttle when it blew up ? A: They didn't know it was going to blow up. 471. Q: What's the difference between a nigger and a pile of shit ? A: After a while the pile of shit turns white and stops stinking. 472. Q: How you rape a nigger woman ? A: Don't pay her. 473. Q: Why don't niggers like blowjobs ? A: They don't like any job. 474. Q: Why did so many niggers get shot in Vietnam ? A: Every time the Sergeant said "Get down!", they started dancing. 475. Q: What do you call a row of nigger houses ? A: Coon-dominiums. 476. Q: What do you call a nigger in a £100,000 house ? A: A burglar. 477. Q: What did the nigger do with his first fifty-pence piece ? A: Moved in with her. 478. Q: Why don't niggers have bank accounts ? A: It's too hard to sign a cheque with a spray can. 479. Q: What's the difference between a nigger & Batman ? A: Batman can go to town without robbin'. 480. Q: What do you call a nigger who has an abortion ? A: A crime prevention officer. 481. Q: What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball. 482. Q: What was the real reason Christ was crucified ? A: He forgot his "Safe" word. (You need to know some S&M terms for this) 483. Q: What's grey and comes in gallons ? A: An elephant. 484. Q: Why do women strrrretch when they wake up in the morning ? A: Because they have no balls to scratch. 485. Q: What happened when Moses went to Mount Olive ? A: Popeye beat the shit out of him! 486. Q: Did you hear about the the IRA man who tried to blow up a bus ? A: He burned his lips on the exhaust. 487. Q: What do a blonde and a turtle have in common ? A: Once they're on their back, they're screwed. 488. Q: Why do blond girls have bruises around their navels ? A: Because blond guys are stupid too. 489. Q: Why don't blondes make good farmers ? A: They can't keep their calves together. 490. Two gays are walking down the beach, when one has the good fortune to trip over the lamp of a Genie. Well, the Genie never was one for gays, so he takes one look, and offers them this proposition: "I'll give you a day to think over the one wish I am going to grant you." The next day, the Genie reappears before the gays and asks, "So, have you thought it over ?". The gays lisp, "Yeth we have". "Good," said the Genie. "Your wish is granted." And with that, the Genie vanished into thin air. All of a sudden there is a loud knock on the door of the gays' home. Opening it, he finds to his surprise 15 or so Ku Klux Klan members outside. "All right, which one of you said you wanted to be hung like a black man ?" 491. A priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi in the same town all traded in their cars on nice new ones around the same time. Feeling the need of a little ceremony to celebrate, the priest sprinkled water on the hood. Not to be outdone, the Baptist minister drove his car into the creek. The Rabbi thought for a while and then went and got his hacksaw and carefully sawed off a half-inch of tailpipe. 492. A man and his wife were driving down the road. The car hits a skunk in the road. His wife tells him to stop. She gets out the car and finds a baby skunk injured. She tells her husband "We have to take it home and take care of it till it is better". The man says ok. They get in the car and the woman goes to her husband "Oh, look, its cold and shivering". The man tells his wife to put the skunk between her legs to warm it up. His wife replies "What about the smell ?". The man says, "Oh, just pinch his little nose and he won't smell it". 493. Frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark and hoping to free him of his inhibitions, a wife flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last five years?". "Honey, let me explain ..." "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -". "I'm sneaky?!" her husband replied indignantly, "Perhaps you'd care to explain our three kids?"! 494. 3 peanuts were walking down the street, and one was assaulted. 495. Q: What's blue and doesn't fit ? A: A dead epeleptic 496. Q: What's the difference between a nun and a whore in the bath ? A: One's got a soul full of hope, The others got a hole full of soap. 497. There was this man in a bar who wanted to go to the loo, so left a note by his beer saying "I spat in this beer". When he returned someone had added "So have I" 498. Q: Did you hear about the Irish Everest expedition ? A: They ran out of scaffolding at 10,000 feet. 499. An Irish bloke walks into a bar, and holds out a handful of shit to the bartender and exclaims, "Look what I nearly stepped in ! " 500. Q: Why do cannibal cooks prefer to use epileptics when making stew in the big black kettle ? A: They automatically stir the pot while they're cooking. 501. Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there. As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it ! He said, "What's wrong with you ? We're being boiled alive ! They're gonna eat us ! What could possibly be funny at a time like this ?" The other missionary said, "I just pissed in the soup ! " 502. Barman "What's the matter " Man "My Wife's run off with my best friend" Barman "That's terrible" Man "I know...... I don't half miss him ! ! ! " 503. A little girl is crying near to a cliff edge, and this man walks up and says, "What's wrong ?" She replies, My mummy died last week and my daddy couldn't cope, so he drove us down here and jumped off and he is dead, and I haven't got anyone to look after me. The man then reaches for his flies and says, "Its not your day is it ?" 504. Q: What's the best thing about shagging a five year old ? A: Strangling her afterwards (sick... ) 505. Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag to about how he screwed it. 506. Two men playing golf and a funeral procession goes by. The first man stops playing and removes his hat as it goes by. "That was a kind show of respect" said the second. "Well we had been married ten years you know" 507. Q: "What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper ? " "I don't know. " A: "Oh, so it was you ! " 508. "Mr. Jones, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And Ive decided to give your wife £200 a week. " "That's very fair your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send a few quid myself. " 509. A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She gets rushed to the hospital where she gets fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says "You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism. " As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and Says "Mummy, I've done a very weird thing ! ". Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies "I passed a bullet into the toilet". The woman comforts her and explains all about the incident at the bank. A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mummy, I've done a very bad thing ! ", the mother says "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right ? ". The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says "Yes. How did you know ? ". The mother comforts her child and explains about The incident at the bank. A month later the boy comes up and says "Mummy, I've done a very bad thing ! ". "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right ? " "No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog" 510. This little English boy has polio and his mother wants to cure him. After taking to a catholic she gets a bottle of holy water and brings it home. She goes up to her son Keith and says "This is going to make your life easier" She then sprays little Keith while he is still in his wheelchair. Suddenly, there is a bright flash of light and as the smoke clears mother says "Thank you Jesus for saving our little boy from Polio" As the smoke clears she looks down to see little Keith's legs are still twisted and useless. But his wheelchair has two brand new tyres. 511. The Pope had just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and was taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red & blue lights of a Police Car in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The Policeman, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in. " The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it. "Is it the Governor ? " "No ! Even more important ! " "Is it the PRESIDENT ? ? ? " "No sir ! Even *more* important ! " "Well WHO THE HECK is it ? " screams the chief. "I don't know sir," replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur. " 512. A salesman goes to the doctors and says to the doctor that his company have produced a perfect Urinalysis machine, which can diagnose any medical condition just from a specimen of piss from the subject. Now the salesman is really pushy and the doctor wants to get rid of him, so he says that if the machine can diagnose his condition correctly then hell buy some for the clinic. The doctor goes home, confident that the machine will never diagnose his tennis elbow, but just to make sure he takes a little sample from his wife, his daughter, his dog and a little engine oil to his own specimen to get some interesting results. Just for good measure he decides to wank into the pot as well. The next day the doctor gives the salesman the sample and he feeds it into the machine. Nothing happens for a few minutes. Just as the doctor is about to throw the salesman out the machine comes out with the results. The salesman looks at the piece of paper and says... "Well, your wife has the clap, your daughter is pregnant, your dog has fleas, your bearings are shot, and if you stopped wanking your tennis elbow would clear up !" 513. A primary school teacher thought it would be interesting for her students to learn to identify different names for the various kinds of meats. One day, she cooked up several different meats and labelled them. As each student took a bite they were asked to identify the animal. Little Sherry took a bite of the meat labelled beef and correctly said that it came from a cow. Tommy took a bite of pork and also correctly identified the meat as coming from a pig. The last meat was labelled venison. The children chewed and chewed and after numerous incorrect guesses the teacher attempted to give them a hint "What does your mummy call your daddy when he comes home from work at night ?" she asked. All of a sudden little Joey jumped up from the back of the classroom and yelled "Jesus Christ ! Spit it out its Arsehole!" 514. A man buys a huge new car and shows it to his neighbour. "Its great says the neighbour but does it have a bed in like mine ?" "But your car is tiny says the man." "Yes but watch this", the neighbour presses a button on his tiny cars dashboard and a bed unfolds. The man rushes back to the car showroom and demands a bed be fitted to his new car. The next day the man takes his huge car (now fitted with a bed ) to show his neighbour but the neighbour is out. The man drives around looking for the neighbour and sees his car parked up in a lay by with all the windows steamed up ! The man goes to the car and starts banging ion the window. There is no sign of the neighbour and the windows are too steamed up to see inside. He bangs again, and again and eventually the neighbour (naked ) wipes a circle into the steamed up window. "What the hell do you want ? " "My car has a bed like yours ! " "Christ ! you got me out the shower to tell me that ! ! ! " 515. Due to the restructuring of the CIA very intense interviews are being held: Three men are waiting to be interviewed by the director of the CIA. He calls in the first one: "Do you love your country ? " "Absolutely ! " "Then take this gun out into the waiting room and kill your wife. " "Sorry, I love her too much. " The next guy comes in: "Do you love your country ? " "Yes, I do ! " "Then take this gun into the waiting room and shoot your wife. " "Can I just hurt her a little ? " "No, you've got to kill her. " "Can't do it, I love her too much. " The next guy comes in ? "Do you love your country ?" "More than anything ! " "Then take this gun and kill your wife. " The man takes the gun and walks into the lobby. BANG, BANG BANG. This is followed by a series of crashes and loud noises. The man comes back in all beaten up and covered with scratches. "What happened out there ! " demanded the director. "Some moron put blanks in the gun ! I had to strangle the bitch ! " 516. It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cups bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for ? " "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Fuck him, Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea. " 517. Q: What's the definition of a drawing pin ? A: A Smartie with a hard-on 518. Q: What did the gay man use as a chat up line in a gay bar ? A: Can I push your stool in for you ? 519. A woman is in hospital, about to give birth to her first child. The contractions are getting closer and closer and sure enough the baby's head appears out of her vag. The baby turns to the first man he sees and says "Are you my father ?". The man, who is the doctor rplies that he is not the baby's father, and thet the father could not be present because there was something more important he had to do (a round of golf with his mates). So the baby says "Right. I'm not coming out until my father's here. Tap three times on my mother's stomach when he turns up and then I'll come out." With that he returns to the warmth and comfort of the womb. The father is called, and turns up just after it has got dark. The doctor duly taps on the mother's stomach three times and down comes the baby. He looks around, sees his father and calls him over. With his little finger he pokes the dad in the head, in the eye etc. (you can do all this visually) and while the dad is wincing he says: "So now you know how it feels. Not very nice is it ?" 520. Q: Did you hear about the guy with a peanut allergy? A: He decided to play Russian Roulette with a big of M&M's! 521. A guy walks into a bar and orders a double whiskey, downs it in one and looks in his shirt pocket. He orders another, downs it in one and looks in his pocket again. He's about to order another when the bar tender ask's him what he's doing ? He replied "I've got this picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I'll go home !" 522. Three blonde bimbos are stranded on a desert island. Suddenly, a genie appears and grants each one a wish. The first bimbo asks the genie to make her more intelligent. Suddenly, there is a puff of smoke and she finds to her amazement that she can swim, so she swims across the water to the mainland. The second wishes she could be more intelligent than the first and with a puff of smoke she turns into a brunette, chops down a tree, builds a boat and rows off the island. The third blonde bimbo asks to be even more intelligent than the first two put together and with a puff of smoke she turns into a bloke and walks across the bridge. 523. Q: Where do baby apes sleep? A: In an apricot. 524. Quasimodo walks into a pub and asks the barman for a whisky. The barman asks: "Bells all right?" Quasimodo replies "Mind your own business". 525. Q: What have Freddie Mercury and Michael Watson got in common? A: They've both been beaten around the ring. 526. Name Anagrams: Kylie Minogue- O leaky minge Cecil Parkinson- Ol' penis in crack Nigel Mansell- A line of smeg Bill Clinton- Nob in clit Kate Adie- Eat a dike 527. Funny Names: Ben Dover Philma Crevis Mike Hunt Arnold Wanker Christopher Wave Joe King Ben Derr Theresa Green Ivor Biggun Phil Latio Hugh Jass Connie Lingus 528. A man goes to the doctors with a boiled egg up his left nostril and a chip sticking out of his ear. He asks the doctor what's wrong with him and the doctor replies: You've got an eating disorder. ======== From: bemor@eclipse.co.uk (Lieutenant General Morrish) Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Subject: Tasteless Jokes List Date: Sat, 16 Aug 1997 19:05:41 GMT Organization: Imperial Order Reply-To: Majestic_12@ThePentagon.Com Message-ID: <33f5f986.2073440@dnews> X-Newsreader: Forte Free Agent 1.1/16.230 NNTP-Posting-Host: p25.dione.eclipse.co.uk X-NNTP-Posting-Host: p25.dione.eclipse.co.uk Lines: 653 Path: Supernews69!SupernewsFH!news.maxwell.syr.edu!news-peer.sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!Sprint!cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.bbnplanet.com!baron.netcom.net.uk!netcom.net.uk!cableinet-uk!news.cableinet.co.uk!ispc-news.cableinet.net!p25.dione.eclipse.co.uk Xref: Supernews69 alt.tasteless.jokes:171661 Are you bored shitless with all the spam, tame jokes and assorted flame wars on this newsgroup? The join my Tasteless Jokes Mailing list today- all the best jokes from here are delivered to your virtual doorstep (ok, not very often, but sometimes at least!). Here's the latest edition: --------------------------------------------------------------- I'll be off to University soon, so if all goes well I'll be starting my on-line magazine dedicated to the bizarre, the sick and the vile, BenZine(C) so stay tuned! ---------------------------------------------------------------- TIE Fighter players and X-Wing vs TIE-Fighter players should report to http://www.praetorian.net/io/ right now. Ok? Good. ----------------------------------------------------------------- How do you titillate an Ocelot? You oscillate it's tit a lot. ------------------------------------------- What's got six balls and fucks you twice a week? The National lottery. (I always thought it had 49 balls, but what do I know eh?) ----------------------------------------------------------------- > > A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered > > the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by > > saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only). > > He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)." > > She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. > > He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." > > The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile > > and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. > > The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical > > expression, "S-H-I-T." > > The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, > > "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" > > The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." -------------------------------------------- A woman goes up to a man in a bar and say's "How come I never see you with any girls?" "well it's a bit like this, most girls don't like a three inch penis" "Oh I think I understand" "Yeah they can't cope with it being that wide" ----------------------------------------------- Why does Hillary Clinton always climb on top? Because Bill can only fuck up. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the ex-pornstar who got a job as a gas station attendant? Every time he does a fillup, he pulls out his hose and sprays gas all over the car. ------------------------------------------------------------- A man picks up a girl in a party. They proceed to her place and things are starting to heat up. He takes his shirt off and washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes hands again. So the girl tells him: "I bet you're a dentist." Surprised he says: "that's correct, how did you know?" "You washed your hands a few times, so I figured you're used to it." They go on and they have sex. Then she says: "you know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very good dentist". "How can you tell?" he asks. "I didn't feel a thing..." -------------------------------------------------------------- Duck took his girlfriend out for dinner to a top class restaurant. After finishing the excellent meal the waiter came over with coffee. As the waiter was leaving the duck caught his attention. The waiter bent down and the duck whispered, "Do you sell condoms in this establishment?" quietly into his ear. "We certainly do." replied the waiter. "In that case I'll have a pack of three." said the duck. "Would you like me to put those on your bill?" asked the waiter. The duck, looking very offended, replied, "Hey, what do you think I am, some kind of pervert!". ------------------------------------------------------------ Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" ------------------------------------------------------------- The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked, "Do you understand what I am doing?" "Yes," the patient answered. "You're checking for dermatological abrasions." "Correct," the doctor lied. Next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly. Again, he inquired, "Do you understand what I am doing?" "You're feeling for cancerous lumps," she ventured. "Very astute," the doctor complimented, becoming even more excited. He placed the woman's feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member inside her. "And do you understand what I am doing now?" "You're contracting herpes!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here." Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire." -------------------------------------------------------------- An hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a couple of drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and go to his motel room, and she readily agreed. "Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing. "Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile. "Thirteen ??? My God girl! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered. Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?" ---------------------------------------------------------------- THE SIX MOST EXCITING MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE: 1. THE DOCTOR -- BECAUSE HE SAYS, "TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF." 2. THE DENTIST -- BECAUSE HE SAYS, "OPEN WIDE." 3. THE MILKMAN -- BECAUSE HE SAYS, "DO YOU WANT IT IN THE FRONT OR IN THE BACK." 4. THE HAIRDRESSER -- BECAUSE HE SAYS, "DO YOU WANT IT TEASED OR BLOWN." 5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR -- BECAUSE HE SAYS, "ONCE ITS IN, YOU'LL LOVE IT." 6. THE BANKER -- BECAUSE HE SAYS, "IF YOU TAKE IT OUT TOO SOON YOU'LL LOSE INTEREST." ------------------------------------------------------------------ -- Two builders (Fred & Bill) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the "suit"... Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant." Bill: "No way... he's a stockbroker." Fred: "He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!" The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the "suit" is standing at a urinal, curiosity and several schooners get the better of the builder... Fred: "Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?" Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!" Fred: "Oh! What's that then?" Suit: "I'll try to explain by example...... Do you have a goldfish at home?" Fred: "Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!" Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?" Fred: "It's in a pond!" Suit: "Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?" Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!" Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?" Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!" Suit: "Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?" Fred: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!" Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?" Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week me!" Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?" Fred: "Me? Never!" Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!" Fred: "How's that Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!" Fred: "I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!" Both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate. Bill: "I see the suit was in there.. did you ask him what he does?" Fred: "Yep ! He's a logical scientist!" Bill: "What's that then?" Fred: "I'll try and explain... Do you have a goldfish?" Bill: "Nope?" Fred: "Well then Bill, you're a wanker!" -------------------------------------------------------------- One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!" ------------------------------------------------------------------- Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together. One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?" "Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that drives her wild." Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!" Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my dick on the curtain. Drives her fucking nuts!" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the cross eyed circumciser? A: He got the sack. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about old Ophra gettin' busted at the airport???? Yeah, it was said they looked up her dress and found 200lbs of CRACK!!!!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy comes home to his wife with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Morrish Approved Chat-up Line of the Month (well, of the Several Months): "Let's play "Elevator!" It's Up now...wanna go down on it?" -------------------------------------------------------------------- One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's Wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!" ------------------------------------------------------------------- Anyway, I'm thinking of a word. It is a name for a woman and is four letters long. The last three letters are U-N-T. What word am I thinking of? Aunt! If you were thinking anything else, you have a dirty mind! ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Chinese couple has just crawled into bed. Within minutes, the man had his hand under the sheets and was stroking her lovingly and gently. "Ah, so--what is it you want?" she asked him in a low sultry voice. "How about 69?" the man grunted back. The woman bolted upright in the bed and asked, "What? Beef and broccoli this late at night?" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Mark and Sharon decide they don't want to discuss sex in front of their 4 and 6 year old children, so they decide to talk in code. One day Mark is feeling a little bit turned on and says to Katie, "Tell your mother I would really like to type a letter." Katie runs off to find her mom. " Mommy, mommy", shouts Katie, "Daddy would like to type a letter." Sharon replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell your daddy that he can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." Katie tears off to her father and says, " Daddy, daddy, mommy says you can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." A few days later Sharon remembers that Mark was a little bit keen on a bit of nookie and she called Katie, "Katie, tell your daddy that he can type that letter today." Katie went off to look for her father and told him, "Daddy, mommy says you can type the letter today." "Thats OK, Katie", Mark says, "You can tell your mother that I don't need the typewriter any more, I wrote the letter by hand." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Obligatory Blasphemy: Q: What's the difference between a priest and a pimple? A: A pimple waits till you're 13 before it comes on your face. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to urinate, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out." "Heck, that's nothing." said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible." The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I whiz like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I take a dump like a pig." The eighty-year-old looked at the seventy-year-old, then looked back at the ninety-year-old incredulously and asked, "So what's your problem?" "I don't wake up till eleven." he replied. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars IV: A New Hope" 1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid." 2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!" 3. "Look at the size of that thing!" 4. "Sorry about the mess..." 5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought." 6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?" 7. "You've got something jammed in here real good." 8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!" 9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?" 10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!" ... Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back" 1. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!" 2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance." 3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?" 4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..." 5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while." 6. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..." 7. "Control, control! You must learn control!" 8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here." 9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?" 10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!" ... Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi" 1. "Rise, my friend." 2. "Open the back door!" 3. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!" 4. "It's just a dead animal..." 5. "Not bad for a little furball." 6. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?" 7. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?" 8. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two." 9. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!" 10. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie." And now, our new list of sexually slanted lines from Return of the Jedi: 13. "What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did? He never expressed any unhappiness with my work." (C3PO) 12. "Hey, point that thing someplace else." (Han) 11. "I look forward to completing your training. I time you will call me master." (Emporer) 10. "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?" (Leia) 9. "I never knew I had it in me." (C3PO) 8. "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab." (Lando) 7. "There is good in him, I've felt it." (Luke) 6. "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit." (C3PO) 5. "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can." (Jerjerrod) with reply "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them." (Darth) 4. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!" (Han) with "A little higher, just a little higher." (Lando) 3. "Short help's better than no help at all." (Han) 2. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one." (Han) 1. "Back door, huh? Good idea!" (Han) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side. Hurt, he replied, "Well, it's not used to playing in cathedrals!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- A wild rabbit got caught and was taken to a laboratory. While he was in there he be-friended a rabbit who had been in the lab since the day he was born. Anyway, one evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed, and decided to make a break for freedom. He asked the lab rabbit if he would like to join him. The lab rabbit was unsure, as he had never been outside the lab. However, the wild rabbit finally convinced him to give it a try. Once they were free, the wild rabbit said, "I'll show you the number three best field." and took the lab rabbit to a field full of lettuce. After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show you the number two best field." and took the lab rabbit to a field full of carrots. After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show you the number one best field." and took the lab rabbit to a warren full of female bunnies. It was heaven, non-stop bonking most of the evening. As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit announced that he would have to be getting back to the lab. "Why?" said the wild rabbit. "I've shown you the number three best field with the lettuce, the number two best field with the carrots, and the number one best field with the bonking. Why do you want to go back to the lab?" The lab rabbit replied "I can't help it - I'm dying for a cigarette!" ------------------------------------------------------------------- He'd chase anything in a skirt, thats why I'll never take him to the Highland games. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I really enjoyed reading The Joy of Sex, I couldn't put my girlfriend down until I finished reading it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I went to a conference on premature ejaculation the other day. I got there five minutes early, but it was already over. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ My father told me all about the birds and the bees. Unfortunately he did not know anything about girls. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ My fathers storys about the birds and the bees were so fascinating, I was 27 before I got interested in girls. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mickey Mouse goes to see his lawyer about getting a divorce from Minnie Mouse. "You wont get a divorce on the grounds that Minnies got buck teeth!" says the lawyer. "I didn't say she had buck teeth," says Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ======== Path: Supernews69!SupernewsFH!feta.direct.ca!newsfeed.direct.ca!news.algonet.se!newsfeed1.telenordia.se!news1.telenordia.se!not-for-mail From: "WOWman" Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Subject: You want jokes? Here's jokes for you Date: 26 Aug 1997 11:01:34 GMT Organization: Telenordia AB Lines: 1417 Message-ID: <01bcb20f$b02b1bc0$09f21eac@pkrentzel.oa.telenordia.se> Reply-To: "WOWman" NNTP-Posting-Host: karo.telenordia.se X-Newsreader: Microsoft Internet News 4.70.1162 Xref: Supernews69 alt.tasteless.jokes:172393 If you have the energy to go through it all you'll find yourself laughing a lot. Chck out my homepage for some more jokes (not many but still...) www.torget.se/users/p/Puck/ _________________________________________________----- THE LEARNING ANNEX - Summer Class for both men and women. All male class are prepared and presented by women and all woman class is prepares and presented by men. Seminaries for men: 1. Combating stupidity 2. You, too, can do housework 3. PMS -- learn when to keep your mouth shut 4. How to fill an icetray 5. We do not want sleazy underthings for X-mas -- give us money 6. Understanding the female response to your coming home drunk at 4.00 am. 7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my silks") 8. Parenting -- no, it doesn't end with conception 9. How To Not Act Like An Ass When You Are Obviously Wrong 10. Get a life -- learn how to cook 11. Spelling -- Even when you can get it right 12. Understanding your financial incompetence 13. You -- The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons to give flowers 15. How to stay awake after sex 16. Why it's unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom 17. Garbage -- getting it to the curb 18. You can fall asleep without "it" if you really try 19. The morning dilemma if "it" is awake. Take a shower 20. I'll wear it if I damn well please 21. How to put the toilet lid down (formally "no, it's not a bidet") 22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms 23. Give me a break! Why we know your excuse are bullshit 24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost 25. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency 26. Romanticism -- Ideas other than sex 27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes 28. Mother-in-laws -- They are people too 29. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 30. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home 31. You too can be a designated driver 32. Seeing the true you (formally "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked") 33. Changing your underwear -- It really works 34. The attainable goal -- Omitting "TITS" from your vocabulary 35. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is NOT necessary 36. Techniques for calling home THE LEARNING ANNEX - Summer Class for both men and women. All male class are prepared and presented by women and all woman class is prepares and presented by men. Seminaries for women: 1. Are you ready to leave -- Definitions of the word "Yes" 2. Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formally "Honey, do I look fat in this?") 3. Elementary Map Reading 4. Crying and Law Enforcement 5. Advanced Math Seminar -- Programming your VCR 6. Yes, you can go shopping less than 4 hours 7. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast 8. The Seven-Outfit Week 9. PMS -- It's YOUR problem, Not Mine (was: "It's happened Monthly since puberty -- Deal with it!") 10. Driving 101: Getting past the automatic transmission 11. Driving 102: The meaning of blinking red lights 12. Driving 301: Approximating a constant speed 13. Driving 401: Makeup and Driving -- It's as simple as Oil and Water 14. The Super Bowl: Not a game -- A Sacrament 15. Telephone translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You") 16. How to earn your own money 17. Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: "Fabric bad - Electronics good") 18. Putting the Seat down by yourself. Potential Energy is on your Side 19. Know When to say when -- The Limits of Makeup 20. Beyond Clean and Dirty: The Nuances of Wearable Laundry 21. We forget birthdays, you forget sport starts: LET'S DROP IT! 22. MYOB: Proper response to other couple's arguments 23. Yes, You can Buy Condoms (was "WE learned to deal with the embarrassment) 24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels 25. What goes around comes around -- Why his creditcard is not a toy 26. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours 27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out 28. Commitment Schmittment (was: "Wedlock Schmedlock) 29. "To Honor and Obey": Remembering the small print above "I Do" 30. Why your mother is not welcome in the house 31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard or Victimized Sensitive Man-child, healing his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within? 32. Combating The Impulse To Nag 33. You Can Change The Oil Too 34. How To Fill A Beer Mug 35. Understanding The Female Causes To Male Drunkenness 36. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football 37. Parenting -- You Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around 38. How Not To Sob When Your Husband Is Right 39. You, The Wining Sex 40. How To Stay Awake During Sex 41. Why It's Unacceptable To Talk About Placentas During Breakfast 42. How To Close The Garagedoor 43. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation 44. Payday and Shopping Are Not Synonymous 45. Romanticism -- The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles and Conversation 46. Putting On Something Sexy -- Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain 47. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother 48. You Can Too Carry A Backpack 49. Honey, My Eyes Are Closed Because Of The Passion I Feel Top Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex: 1. You can GET chocolate. 2. "If you love me you swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3. You can safely have chocolate while you're driving. 4. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during workhours without upsetting your workmates. 11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 16. Good chocolate is easy to find. 17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18. You are never too old or too young for chocolate. 19. When you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake. 20. With chocolate size doesn't matter - it's always good. Humorous Stories The Zachary Disease A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to se a doctor. Looking through the Yellow pages she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor". She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now... you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shooked his head and said, "you have real bad case of Zachary Disease...... worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex problem". The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what the Zacharey Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease.......... that when your face looks ZACHARY rike your ass!" The Flying Drunk On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him. Finally he went up to the man and asked "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" "Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lot of fun. You should try it." The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, Hey, why not? So he goes out to the balcony, jumps off, and whoooooooooooooooooo, splat. The bartender looks over to the other guy and says: "Superman, you're an asshole when you are drunk". The Planeride A mother and her 8 year old son were on a TWA plane one day and the child asked his mother: "Mammy, if big cats have baby cats, and big dogs have baby dogs why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother thought about it for a second and decided to pass the bucket by telling the child to ask one of the stewardesses. The child went up to the stewardess and asked her the same question. She thought about it for a second and asked the child: "Did your mommy tell you to ask me this?" The boy nodded so she told him: "Tell your mother, that TWA always pulls out in time." A Hungry Monkey A guy with a monkey walks into a bar. The guy sits down and starts talking to the bartender. While they were talking, the monkey walks over to the pooltable, and swallow one of the pool balls. The bartender says to him: "Hey what's wrong with your monkey? He just are one of the pool balls!" The guy says that there's nothing he can do, the monkey eats everything and he had tried almost everything to make him stop. Then he picks up the monkey and leaves. A few days later the guy comes back at the bar with his monkey. This time the monkey sits down in the bar, grabs a peanut from a dish, sticks it up his but, then pulls it back out and eats it. The bartender asks him: "What the heck is he doing now?" The guy says: "He still pretty much eat anything but after the pool ball incident a few days ago, he checks to make sure it will fit BEFORE he eats it. Fridays In Hell A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it's his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor. Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed? Guy: Well, what do you think! I'm in hell! Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink? Guy: Sure, I love to drink Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke? Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Counselor: Then you are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoking day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your hearts desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs? Guy: Well, in my younger days I experimented a little. Counselor: You are going to love Wednesday. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesday. Do you gamble? Guy: Yes, I love to gamble. Counselor: You are going to Love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- Black Jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! And you don't have to worry about losing money because you are already dead and don't pay anymore debts. You are going to love Thursdays! ............ Are you gay? Guy: Well, no. No I'm not. Counselor: Oh (grimaces), you're gonna HATE Fridays.... The Epic of the Baked Bean Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married. Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe. Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you." She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone. When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room. Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked. After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party! The Study A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally walks up to her and asks tentatively; "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling at the top of her lungs; "No I wont sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar were starring at them. Naturally the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says; "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!!" Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note. Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time. No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night. All My Love, Jimmy PS Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style - folded down with the fur showing. The Priest As A Real Man A priest and a nun are on the way back from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you'll sleep in the bed. Sister: I think that would be okay. they prepare for bed and each one takes the their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later.... Sister: Father I'm terrible cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get up and give you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later.... Sister: Father, I'm still terrible cold. Father: Okay, sister I'll get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later.... Sister: Father, I'm still terrible cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as a man and wife just for this one night. Father: You're probably right..... Get up and get your own #@$! blanket! The Farmers Problem A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him that what he should do try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okey and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs into his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be laying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loaded the pigs up in the truck, drives them to the woods and shagges them all for the third time. By the next morning the farmer is beat and asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says: "Hmm.. that's strange, they are all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn." The Bronze Rat A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Franciso's China Town. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-size bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir" says the shop owner "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." The tourist replies "You can keep the story, old man, but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats some out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels. As he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run towards the water. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands, but millions, so by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up into a lamp post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater and into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antiques shop. "Ah, so you come back for the rest of the story", says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you had a bronze lawyer." Stranded A man has been stranded on an island for five years when all of a sudden a beautiful woman strides out of the ocean wearing a tight wet suit with a zipper up the front partially undone. The man is stunned looking at her as she says to him: "You must have been stranded here a long time, you look like you could use a cold beer." The man nods his head emphatically as she slowly unzips her wet suit a little more reaching in pulls out a could one. She looks at him again and says: "And I bet you could use a cigarette too." He replies: "Oh, man could I!" as she unzips her wet suit further and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He smokes one and she says to him: "As long as you have been here, I bet what you really want is to play around, don't you?" Bewildered, he looks at her and says: "You mean you have a set of golf clubs in there too?" Religious Misconceptions........ A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied: "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took monsignors advise and had some vodka ready. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm, and when returning to his chambers after mass he found the following note on his door. 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, The Son and The Holy Gost are not refereed to as Daddy, Junior and Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, do not say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T. 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said: "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "Eat me". 12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!" 13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. The Special songs There's this guy, he runs a nightclub, he needs a pianist to tinkle the ivories during the dinner shift. He finally finds a someone, and on this guys first night he comes in, and plays a beautiful composition. The manager comes up to him and says "That was beautiful, what do you call it?" The piantist replies "its called I love you so much I could shit." The manager says, "uh... OK, play another". The pianist plays another beautiful piece, and the manager again asks what it was called. "That one's called muscle of love baby." says the pianist, who then takes a bathroom break. When he comes out, he's forgotton to close his zipper. The manager walks up and says "do you know your fly is open and your penis is hanging out?" The pianist grins and says "know it, I wrote it!!" A Stroke Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench, when a flasher walks up to them. He yank open his rain coat and exposes himself totally to them. His penis is just hanging right out there. This is an enormous shock to the old ladies and one of them has a STROKE right away! But the other one couldn't quite reach. Waiting In Russian, a worker goes to buy a new car. The salesman tells him that he can pick it up in ten years. The worker asks what time after ten years can he pick it up. The salesman, surprised, asks "In ten years, what does it matter?", to which the worker responds, "I have to know, the plumber is coming over that morning." A paint-job A country guy comes to the city looking for work, he meets a rich guy who says "I need someone to paint my porch." The country guy says "I'm the fastest painter you'll ever see." So the rich guy brings him home, gives him a can of paint, and says "go around back and paint my porch." Just a half hour later the country guy comes back around and says "I'm done." The rich guy, astonished, says "There's no way you could have painted my whole porch that fast." The country guy responds "there weren't much to it, besides it weren't no porch, it was one of them there Mercedes." Throwing the first rock Jesus and the apostles arrive in a small, dusty town to discover an angry mob obviously bent on doing harm. Jesus elbows his way through the crowd to discover a terrified woman cowering on the ground. Only then.does he notice that everyone around her is holding stones. "What's happening here?" he demands. "She's an adulturess," cries a voice. "And she must be stoned to death." "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," replies Jesus, staring back at the crowd. At this, everyone falls silent, then one by one they drop their stones and shuffle off, ashamed. Except for one little old woman who staggers up to the adulturess with a monster of a rock in her arms. With a huge effort of will she raises it above her head and craaaaaash!, smashes it down on the other woman, killing her instantly. Jesus lets out a huge sigh then says, "You know, Mum, sometimes you really piss me off." Voodoo dick There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. (For joke purposes, let's ignore what he might do while on his trip :-) ) So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of it box darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" The manager's problem An office manager had money problems & had to fire one of two employees, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. As it turned 6 pm, Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus." Three cool cowboys Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. Pilot's Hell After a rather careless plane crash where everyone was killed, the two pilots responsible were escorted to satan to choose their eternal damnation. Satan told the pilots they could choose either door number 1 or door number 2 for their sin of killing innocent people. "Take your time" he said, "you've got forever to suffer it". So the pilots look behind door number 1 and its a freezing cold, blizzard of a hell. They look at each other and agreed "no way am I going there, anything else has to be better". So they look behind door number 2 and damn if its not a stinking, hotter than crap, hell hole, just like the preacher claimed. "We're in trouble now", they thought, until the second pilot notices a door with a number 3 on it. "Hey, satan forgot to tell us about that one, let's check it out". So they dash over to door number 3 and see a long line of pilots getting blowjobs from the best looking stewardesses they had ever seen. Well they run back to satan with their choice and proclaim, "We want door number 3!". Then satan turns and tells them they can't go there...thats stewardess hell!! A Sensitive Sergeant A Marine Drill Sergeant, known for his insensitivity and tough demeanor, during roll call one day ended his talk with, "Oh, by the way, Kowalski, your mother died last night." A couple of weeks later, he told another troop in the same manner, "Don't bother calling home this week Johnson, your house burned down last night and killed your entire family." Word of these incidents leaked to the Commanding Officer, who called in Sergeant Pyrczkovich and counseled him, instructing him to be a bit more sensitive to the men. So, after receiving news of the death of Private Lazinsky's grandmother, he decided to try another ploy. "Okay, men. Everyone whose grandmother is still alive, take one step forward. Not so fast, Lazinsky..." Dangerous Drinking habits An old Irish man and his wife owned a pub. The old man drank a lot, and got sick one day. He went to the doctor. The Doctor said to him: "lay off the booze for a while. You should be fine". He goes home, he tells his wife, "I, Beagorra! I'll have to stop drinking to get better". After not drinking for about two weeks, he says, "what the hell, I'm going to have a little nibble" He drank, he got real drunk and sick. He went to the doctor. The Doctor said: "I told you to stop drinking". Now I'm telling you:drink one more drink, you'll shit your guts out". He went home, he told his wife what the Doctor said. After two weeks he was back to himself. Healthy as a young man. He thought, what the hell. A few drinks can't hurt. He got real drunk and sick. His wife helped him up to bed. She was preparing chicken for the dinner they were going to serve at the pub that evening. She thought, I'll fix his ass. While he was out cold, she rolled him on his stomach. She poured all the chicken guts down the back of his trousers. About two hours later. He came down to the kitchen. His wife said, "Paddy!, you look worse than when I brought you to bed". He replied, "Oh Beagorra!, the Doctor was right. I shit me guts out. But, with the grace of god. And the end of my hair brush, I was able to shove them all back in!". Fagot's going to the zoo One day there were two homos visiting the zoo. They made the rounds of the zoo and soon found themselves outside the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting in the corner of the cage with a huge gorilla hard-on. Then one homo says to the other 'I wonder what it feels like' ... the other homo says 'there's only one way to find out and that's to touch it'. The homo reaches into the cage and touches the gorilla's hard-on and before he can remove his arm the gorilla grabs him, hauls him into the cage, slams him onto the floor, jumps on top of him, and nearly buggers him to death. Three days later the homo wakes up in a hospital bed. A nurse comes in and says he has a visitor. It's the homo's buddy. The buddy asks 'are you hurt?' The bedridden homo says 'HURT! HE HASN'T PHONED ... HE HASN'T WRITTEN ...!' The quit Irish Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minuit Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face. Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said magnus, Your first Question, "In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?' Seamus responds "Pass" OK said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?", Seamus responds "Pass" OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?" Seamus responds "Pass" Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus....Tell the f**kin' English Nothing...." Aliens Vs a gaspump Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach. The first one says "Earthling take me to your leader!" He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!" Still no response. The first Alien then turns to the second and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!" . The second Alien replies "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the next block." The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" No response. The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy, He then says to the second Alien "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?" The second replies " I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not going to mess with anyone who's penis can hang to the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still stick it in his ear!" One-liners How are men and Linoleum alike? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years to come! Why do men have flies in their shorts? To allow more oxygen to get to their brains! Why are blonde jokes usually only one liner's? So men can enjoy them too! What is a man's idea of safe sex? A rubber head board! Why can't men do the splits? Their kick-stand gets in the way! What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted! What's the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish! What did God say after creating man? Surely I can do better than this!! Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the shit out of you! How is a man like a snow storm? You never know when it is coming, how long it will last or how many inches you will get! Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they don't hump women's' legs at cocktail parties! Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?? Those men already have boyfriends!! Why do men name their penises?? They want to be on a first name basis with the one that makes all their decisions! What's the last thing the flight attendant said to the passengers? Everyone just relax.. we're gonna have a blast! TWA is changing its advertising theme tune to 'Smoke on the Water' How do you say "constipation" in Chinese? Hung Chow. What is the term for "69" in Chinese? Two Can Chew. What is the most requested sauce in a Chinese restaurant? The sauce from Some Young Guy. What do Brussels sprouts and pubic hair have in common? You move both of the way and carry on eating. Where does VIRGIN wool come from? Ugly sheep Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Cause sheep can hear zippers. What's an Irishman with 100 girlfriends? A shepherd. What are two sheep tied to a signpost outside Aberdeen? A comfort station. Did you hear they just discovered two new uses for sheep in Scotland? Wool and meat. What do you call and Irishman who carries on sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? Bisexual. What does a constipated accountant do? He works it out with a pencil. What have you got when you are holding two little green balls in your hand? Kermit's undivided attention. Why do mice have such small balls? Because so very few of them know how to dance. Why is President Reagan like an old typewriter? Because he has no memory and trouble with his colon. Why do you stay with that sadist? Beats me! What do you call a smurf with it's pants down? A blue moon. A bachelor is a man who prefers the ball without the chain. What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? You can't get a kid to eat broccoli. What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can bargain with a terrorist. How do you get 500 babies into a phone booth? A food processor. How do you get them out again? A straw. How to you get 500 Puerto Ricans into a phone booth? A food processor. How do you get them out again. Doritos. There's a new Korean cook book out. Its called "100 Ways to Wok Your Dog". What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal testicles? Sparky. About Michael Jackson. Only in America could a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman. Did you hear? Scientists have discovered a lesbian dinosaur. They're going to call it a "Lickalotopuss". What's an Irish seven-course meal. A potato and a six pack. How do you scare an Irish man? Stand behind him and go "Tick-Tock-Tick-Tock" Q. What's the difference between a toilet and a waitress? A. A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time. Top Ten Rejection Lines Given by Women (and what they actually mean) 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my DAD.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You ugly dork.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and half a gallon of Ben & Jerry's ice cream). 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off the likes of you.) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.) Top Ten Rejection Lines Given by Men (and what they actually mean) 10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.) 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.) 6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.) 5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.) 2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.) 1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.) 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occasionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" 34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" Important Fax Facts Q. Do I have to be married to fax safely? A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day. Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be, before they can fax ? A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you have learned the correct procedures. Q. If I fax to myself, will I go blind ? A. Certainly not, as far we can see. Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. Is this legal ? A. Yes. Many people have no other way of faxing and must pay a "professional" when their needs to fax become too great. Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing ? A. Unless you are really sure of the person you are faxing, a cover should always be used to ensure safe fax. Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely ? A. DON'T PANIC ! Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people won't mind if you fax again. Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can fax transmissions become mixed up ? A. Being bi-faxual, can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to. SHIT LISTS COMPARATIVE RELIGION - (As seen on a door at U.C. Davis) Agnosticism How can we know if shit happens? What is this shit? You can't prove any of this shit.. It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not. Amish Shit is good for the soil. This modern shit is worthless. Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans. Atheism Sheeit. I don't believe this shit. It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it. Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead. No shit! Avoidanceism With all this happening, I think I'll go shit. Bahaism Why do you keep shitting on us? Baptism We'll wash the shit right off you. You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. Buddhism If shit happens it is not really shit If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen again to you next time. Bushism Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture. This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it. Calvinism Shit happens because you didn't work hard enough. Cannibalism Don't eat the shit Capitalism Sell that shit. Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway. Catholicism Shit happens because you are BAD. If shit happens, you deserve it Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray. Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our shit will take care of itself. Shit it in your mind. Science Shit is in your mind. Clintonism I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so.... Communism All this is bull shit!! Shit happens to all of us. Confucianism Confucius say, ``Shit Happens'' Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY." Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest. Denialism What shit? Dianetics "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157) Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and keeps going and going and going and... Environmentalism Shit is biodegradable. Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession. Est You're responsible for all the shit that happens. I am at cause that shit will not happen. Evangelical Send us all your shit. Existentialism What is shit anyway? Fatalism Oh shit, it's going to happen! Fetishism I love when shit happens. Freudianism Shit is a phallic symbol. Fundamentalism Shit happens, but don't publish it. There's no shit in the Bible. Greek Orthodox Shit happens, usually in three's. Hare Krishna Shit Happens, Rama Rama (Ding Ding). Please this flower and buy our shit. She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it) Hedonism There's nothing quite like a good shit. Hinduism I`ve seen this Shit before. This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life. This shit happening IS you. Islam If shit happens, take a hostage. If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. We don't take any shit. Jehovah's Witnesses Knock Knock, ``Shit Happens.'' Here, we insist you take our shit. Shit happens door to door. No shit happens until Armaggedon. There is only a limited amount of good shit. JimJonesism This Kool-Aid tastes like shi... Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us? Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal? Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives? Lutheranism Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK. Masochism Do shit to me! Moonies Only happy shit really happens. Mormon This shit is going to happen again. Our shit is better than your shit. Shit happens again & again & again ... If shit happens, shun it. Crap happens (you can't say shit in Utah) Mysticism This is really weird shit. Nation of Islam Don't take no shit. New Age Were all part of the same shit. For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit. That's not shit, it's feldspar. A firm shit does not happen to me. This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. I create my own shit. If shit happens, honor it and share it. Sheeeeeeeeeeit! Nihilism Shit doesn't mean anything. Let's blow this shit up! Nixonism This kind of shit never happened. If it happened I don't know anything about it. Orthodox St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit. Paganism Shit happens for a variety of reasons. Perotism I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit. Protestantism Let the shit happen to someone else. Shit won't happen if I work harder. If shit happens, praise the lord for it! Rajhneesh Give us your shit and put on this orange shit. Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit. Hey, this is good shit, man. Rationalism I shit, therefore I am. Reaganism I can't remember whether this shit happened or not. Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit. Repressionism I'll hold this shit in forever. Rosicrucianism What is this AMORC shit? Sadism I will shit on you! Satanism We hope bad shit happens to all of you. We will make your shit happen. Scientology All this happens to be shit. If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you. Secular Humanism: Shit evolves. Seventh Day Adventist No shit on Saturdays. Shamanism Whoa...Holy Shit! Shintoism You inherit the shit of your ancestors. Sikhism Leave our shit alone Southern Baptist Shit will happen. Praise the lord. Stoicism This shit is good for me. Sureshism You are all pieces of shit. Taoism Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit happens, so flow with it. Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening. Twelve Step Shit happens one day at a time. Unitarianism What is this Shit? It's not the shit that matters. It's the process. We affirm the right for shit to happen. Go ahead, shit anywhere you want. Vegetarianism If it happens to shit, don't eat it. Voodooism This shit's gonna get you Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you. Let's stick some pins in this shit! Wicca The Goddess makes shit happen. If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. Witchcraft Mix this shit together and it will happen Zen What is the sound of shit happening? Zoroastrianism Shit happens half the time. In other various ways Yuppie Shit It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful? An Employer Shit happens, and rolls down hill. An Employee I've done my shit, so can I take the day off? This shit's not part of my contract. Environmentalism Shit is biodegradable. Heisenbergism Shit happened, we just don't know where. Quantum Shittydynamics Shit happens only in well-defined quantities. Einsteinism Shit is Relative. Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law: Relatives are Shit. Washington I cannot tell a lie--shit happened. Lincoln Four score and seven shits ago... Nixon Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything about it. Reagan Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap. Quayle Why does people treat me like shit? Clinton I didn't inhale this shit. I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so.... Bush Read my lips: no more shit! Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture. This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it. Perot I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit. McCarthyism Are you now, or have you ever been, shit? Martin Luther King Black shit and white shit CAN coexist... Julius Caesar I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty) John Paul Jones I have not yet begun to shit. James Tiberius Kirk: ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before! Computer Science There's a bug somewhere in this shittttttttttttttttttttttttt Macintosh (Enough said) UNIX/C: A core dump... Shit! IBM/DOS It's shit, but at least it's compatible. Communism It's everybody's shit. Marxism The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike. Dictatorship of the shit. Capitalism Shit happens, and it'll cost you! If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit. Cannibalism Don't eat the shit. Vegetarianism If it happens to shit, don't eat it. Hedonism There's nothing quite like a good shit. Stoicism This shit is good for me. Existentialism Shit doesn't happen; shit is. Shit happening is absurd. Realism I think I need to take a shit. Denialism What shit? Purism If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen. Procrastinationism I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow. Avoidanceism With all this happening, I think I'll go shit. Repressionism I'll hold this shit in forever. Fatalism Oh shit, it's going to happen! Surrealism Fish! Moilanenism Smells like shit of Finnish fish. Nihilism Let's blow this shit up! Fetishism I love when shit happens. Masochism Do shit to me! Sadism I will shit on you! Freudianism Shit is a phallic symbol. According to the Philosophers Thales Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit Epicurus If shit happens, enjoy it. Socrate What is shit? Why is shit? Aristotle The essence of shittyness... Descartes I think, so why am I in this shit? I shit, therefore I am. Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire): The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit. Thoreau I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life. Sartre Shit is meaningless! What is shit, anyway? In various professions Mathematician Shit happening is just a special case... Statistician There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe. Physicist To within experimental error, this is shit. Engineer I hope this shit holds together. Chemist I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!! Biologist Is this shit alive? Economist I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit. Beurocrat I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill out form XJ- 314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub- Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828... CEO (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oooh, SHIT! Lawyer For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit. Doctor Take two shits and call me in the morning. Yes, it's definitely a case of shit. $99.95, please... Shit, where's this organ supposed to go? Psychologist Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness. Programmer It's shit, but at least it compiles. Social Scientist Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen... Politician It's shit, but it'll get me elected. If you elect me, there will never again be shit. Shit is bad for the economy. Waitress You want fries with that shit? Musician This shit is out of tune. Dean Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take. Accountant Why doesn't this shit add up? Linguist What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri = the excrement of a bull) Quality Control Inspector This shit ain't good enough. IRS Auditor I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms. Farmer I get subsidies for my shit. Union leader Give us more shit or we'll strike. Mafia boss Rub the shit out. NYC Cab Driver Damn, looks like I hit that shit... THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS for Sanitation Engineers 0th: There is shit. 1st: You can't get rid of it. 2nd: It gets deeper. 3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking. Wondrous stuff….. Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled as it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Should we install parachutes under boar seats? Why are cigarettes sold in gas station when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there looks on the door? If a cow laughs does milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied a buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what would happen if you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages says "Open here". What's the protocol if the package said "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive at parkways and park at driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called shipment, and when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance. Why is it that when you are looking for and address, you turn down the volume on the radio. Did you know who in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the International Settlement? 6=3D Different types of messages on your answering machine Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. after the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. (Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim. (Bad imitations:) Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant? Worf: Scanning, Captain... Strange... No life-forms. Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data? Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a.............message. From pxystick@netins.net Thu Oct 30 21:06:04 1997 Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 17:15:04 -0600 From: pxystick Reply-To: pxystick@NOSPAMnetins.net Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Subject: sex jokes A Catholic priest is in his confessional box. The sliding door opens. "Father, I had sex with a pair of lovely 18 year old nymphomaniac twins five times last week" "What kind of Catholic are you? " demanded the priest " I'm not a Catholic " " Then why are you telling me this? " " I'm telling everyone !!!! two deep-sea fishermen are casting contentedly some miles off-shore. one suddenly gets a hit and, after a 3-hour struggle lands a fair sized marlin. as the marlin is tagged and thrown back in, the second guy gets a hit. a monster 7-hour battle ensues, the exhausted fisherman finally pulls aboard a ...... stunningly beautiful mermaid. he looks at this delightful creature for several perplexed minutes, then, shaking his head in disgust, he unceremoniously drops the mermaid back overboard where she promptly disappears. completely stunned by this the first guy looks at him and asks; "why" the other chap simply says; "how" With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but he would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 "get well soon" cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor. "No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down," she says. "Ah" says the doc,"this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery." "How nice ", says Liz."Thank you - what a nice thought." "The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations, she is to be trusted." "What a beautiful thought , from such a humble person -I'm really touched", says Liz. "But who is the 3rd card from?" asks Liz. "Oh", says the doctor, "that's from Evander Holyfield -- thanking you for his new ears!!!" A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her. Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightning roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?" This guy walks into a bar and sits down in front of the bartender. He orders a drink. While waiting for the drink, he reaches into one pocket and pulls out a 7 inch piano. He reaches into another pocket and pulls out a 10 inch man. The 10 inch man goes up to the piano and promptly starts playing. Beautiful music fills the bar. The bartender goes up to the guy and asks where he got the musician. The guy replied that there was a genie just down the block, who would grant just one wish. The bartender went outside and down the block. There was a huge crowd around the genie. The bartender waited a really longtime. Finally, it was his turn. The genie greeted him, "Hello, I am a genie and I will grant you one wish." The bartender said, "I want a million bucks." All of a sudden, there were a million ducks! They were quacking and following the bartender. The bartender tried to scatter the ducks, but they all came right back. The bartender went back to the bar, went up the the guy with the miniture piano player, and said, "What a lousy genie. I asked for a million bucks and got a million ducks!" The guy at the bar looked at the bartender and said, "You don't really believe that I asked for a 10 inch *pianist*, do you?!" One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat. "What do you do?" the first man asked. "I'm a salesman. What about you?" "I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man. The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He than asked the man where he lived. Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here." The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?" "Gray." Then he asked "What color siding?" "Yellow." "You got a silver Toyota?" "Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car." "That your red pickup next to it?" Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?" The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond?" "Yeah." "Your buddy got black hair?" "Yeah!" "Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman. "Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!" The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot." "I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the balls!" The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!" Husband and wife were laying in bed. Husband reached over and nudged his wife. She said "What do you want"? He said "You know." She said, "Can't, I have to see my gynecologist tomorrow." He said, "Oh". Later, husband reached over and nudged wife again. She said, "I told you I had to see my doctor tomorrow." He said, "But you don't have to see your dentist, do you?" A businessman and his secretary are overcome by passion, and the exec convinces his paramour to retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, and won't bother us." The pair are necking in the business man's bedroom, when the secretary gasps, "We got to stop now! I'm not using any birth control..." "No problem," he replies. "I know where my wife keeps her diaphragm." He immediately begins rooting around in the bathroom. After a half hour, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That bitch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me ....." An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!" Three male students had just received their grades from their female teacher for a sex education exam. One got a D+, the second got a D- and the third got a F. "Some day we're gonna get that bitch back," said the first boy. "Yeah! And then we're gonna strip her," said the second. "Yeah," said the third boy. "And then we're gonna suck her dick!" There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard as they could, were unable to produce little children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest. "My children," the priest began, "God will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning a stay in Rome, and while I am visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you." "Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple. Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time - 15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit." And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States. While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people who sought his council years previously, he rang the doorbell. Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a dozen children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife. "My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!" "He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone. "Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest. She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out, "TO BLOW OUT THAT DARN CANDLE YOU LIT!" Everybody who has a dog calls him/her "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex". Now Sex has been very embarassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk "I would like a license for Sex." He said, "I'd like one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand." "I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand." I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on t.v." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me. He said, "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I was looking for Sex." My case comes up next Friday! Mongo's old lady decided that she wanted to do something special to please him on his birthday, so she bought a pair of crotchless panties. That night as Mongo came into the house, she lay spread-eagle on the couch. "Hi, Hon," she purred sexily. "Y'all want some of this?" "Hell, no!" he roared. "Look at what it's done to your undies!" A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that article insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing the they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn." There were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language. Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?" Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?" Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark place and have some fun." Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea." So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder... Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?" Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some." They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem." Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want." Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do." Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want." Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea." The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work." Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?" Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. His was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars." In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female freshman raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red; she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class never to return. As she was going out the door, the totally straight-faced professor answered her question: "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue." A man gets shipwrecked and is washed up on a deserted island with a dog and a pig. The three sent up house and start to get into a daily routine. Every evening they would walk down to the beach and watch to sun set and the stars come out. After about a month the man was geting horny and the pig was looking pretty good. One night on the beach, after the sun went down, he snuggleg up next to the pig and put his arm around her. The dog began to growel angerly so the man moved away. The next night on the beach the man tried his moves on the pig again and the dog started growling and snapping at him. The man backed off. The next day there was a huge storm and when they went to the beach they found there had been another shipwreck and there was a beautiful woman washed ashore. The took her in to there home and gradually brought her into their daily routine of going to the beach in the evenings. Now, after a couple of weeks the man was very horney so that night, on the beach, he snuggled up to the woman, put his arm around her and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking that damn dog for a walk!!" One afternoon a man and his wife had just finished possibly the worst round of golf they'd ever played. In order to remedy their golf woes, they decided to schedule some lessons with the resident pro. Unfortunately the pair's schedules did not allow them to schedule their first lessons together, so the husband signed up for a Tuesday afternoon slot, and the wife, for one the next day. Tuesday arrived, and the husband walked out to the first tee with the golf pro. The pro, having never seen the husband's swing before, asked him to tee one up and fire away. The husband did as he was instructed and, as per his norm, sliced deep into the adjacent woods. The pro remarked, "Well, Tom, I can see a number of problems, but the most obvious is that you hold the club way too hard. Loosen up on the grip--as you would if you were holding your wife's breasts." The husband, seeing the value in such advice, gripped the club much more gently and teed off and hit one long and straight down the fairway. He went on to shoot one of the better rounds of his life. The next day, the wife arrived for her lesson. The golf pro asked to see her swing, and she too sliced, not quite as deep, but into the same woods her husband had the previous day. The pro said, "Marilyn, you and your husband have the same problem. You both hold the club too firmly. I want you to loosen your grip--as if you were holding your husband's penis." Marilyn shrugged, and gripped the club as she typically held her husband's penis, and hit the ball a few feet off the tee. As it rolled and came to a stop a mere six feet from the tee, the golf pro half-chuckled and said, "Well, now, that's just fine, but let's try holding the club in your hands, and not in your mouth this time." This girl walks into a hardware store as she needs a new hinge for a door at home. As she brings it to the counter, the clerk asks "Wanna screw for that hinge?" to which she replys "No, but I'll suck you off for that toaster on the top shelf." A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my `wife' here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night." Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!" "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks." A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle" How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week. One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one,his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!" A beautiful young woman went into hospital for a minor operation. On the day of her operation the nurses prepared her and wheeled her down to the operating theatre and left her lying outside on a trolly for a few minutes. While she was lying there a young man in a white coat came along, lifted her gown up and began to examine her naked body. He then went away and consulted with another colleague in a white coat. They both returned and examined her naked body again. A third colleague was called over and he too began to examine her. By this time the young lady was becoming quite frustrated at the long wait for her operation and inquired from the white coated individuals: "Look, I don't mind you examining me, but when's this bloody operation going to start?" "I haven't got a clue luv", came the reply, "we're just the painters." The farmer returned late from the fields and began shouting at his long suffering wife. "You're bloody useless. If only you could lay eggs we could get rid of chickens, and if you could give milk we could get rid of the cows." "And do you know Jack", she replied calmly, "if you could get it up, we could get rid of Billy the farm hand." Seems that a young couple, just before the wedding night deside to tell the truth to each other- She says- I have a confession to make. He says- And what would that be my love ? She says- I have .... ah.... baby tits. He says- Oh what is that ?? She says- Well I really do not have breast just nipples. He says- Honey, that is really ok, I love you and I can except that. He says- Well I also have a confession to make...I have a baby dick. She says- Darlying, that is also ok because I love you. So they get married and on the first night of the honeymoon she gets undressed and low and behold she has only nipples. He gets undressed and out falls this thing Oh my God she yells steping back, what is that? Oh he says, that is my baby dick.....9 lbs 11oz --------------------------------- Use enough dynamite there, Butch? Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid --------------------------------- remove NOSPAM to reply An Irish priest and a rabbi have a head-on collision. The priest regains consciousness first and gets out of his car. He pulls the rabbi out of his car and helps him to the side of the road. The priest says, "Sit still, rabbi. I've got something in me glove compartment that will help ye." The priest brings back a bottle of Irish whiskey and tells the rabbi, "Take a good, long drink, rabbi. It will clear your head." The rabbi takes a healthy swig and, looking to thank the priest, exclaims, "My god father, you look in terrible shape too! Aren't you going to have a drink?" "Aye, I'll be having me a drink," replies the priest, "Directly after the police file the accident report!" Two rednecks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds & yee hawin! When asked why the celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!" "Oh yeah?" says one redneck. "The box said 2 - 4 YEARS! " A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries,lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out you guys. They're assholes!" An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair. After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?" The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son . . . " A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two-some teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me, she told him earnestly. Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes, he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to ease his pain. She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, Does that feel better? The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell." An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "He what?" she cried. "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!" ??